I.

Hey bro, Cornelius. You liked my writing last time. You’re smart. Cool, this new book of poems is yours. Don’t ruin it.

II.

So this chick of mine, she plays with this bird and, like, teases it. God, I am so horny. I wish I was that bird. Why doesn’t she want me. Wtf. Women.

V.

Lesbia, old people don’t know anything. We are young and beautiful. Let’s spend the night together and not sleep *wink wink*. Babe, let’s kiss like a thousand times, then one hundred times, then a thousand, then one hundred, then a thousand, then one hundred, so that no one will know how much we kissed. Let’s start now, k?

VIII.

Catullus (like, I’m totally talking about myself right now, but wtvs), stop being a little bitch. Lesbia’s a hoe, she doesn’t love you anymore. Stop caring, god, be a man. And, like, bye Lesbia, because I don’t like you anymore, you’ll regret it. On to the next one.

XI.

I’m leaving and traveling everywhere. Gonna have adventures, yeye. Tell that stupid Lesbia that she’s a cheating beyotch and that she gives everyone blue balls and has had sex with like 300 guys. And, like, I don’t love you anymore. K, peace. Catullus out.

XVI.

“I will fuck you in the ass and in the mouth, respectively; Aurelius, you sodomized ass-pony, and Furius, you cock-sucking pervert.”
You think I’m a sissy because I write about kisses. Well, talking about sodomy totallyyy makes me a manly-man. My verses talk about real shit, like kissing. I’m like 50 Shades of Grey. I’m exciting. I’m super virile. Like, I’m so going to fuck you in the ass and in the mouth now to prove it.

LI.

So like, that guy sitting next to you is so lucky. He gets to hear you… Ugh, if I got to hear you, girl, I would so lose it. There would be no power left in. Like, speech in my mouth. I would still be totally virile though. I swear… Anyway, I need a hobby.

LVIII.

So Caelius… you like Lesbia? Ummm, no. I loved her more. We had sex in an alley. I win bro.

LX.

Hey babe, you’re really stubborn. Talk to me. Come on.

LXX.

My girl told me she would rather marry me than, like, anyone, including Jove. I’m such a boss. But bitches be cray, so it’ll probably end soon.

LXXII.

Lesbia, you said you liked me more than Jove. So then why the fuck did you cheat on me. I loved you like a father loves his sons. That’s a lot of love, Lesbia. Anyway, I still love you, but I don’t like you.

LXXV.

Lesbia, you’re so delicate and hot that I kinda still love you, but I don’t at the same time. I’m complex. I’m a paradox. I am Catullus.

LXXVI.

When I remember good stuff it makes me happy, but like, you’re being so mean to me, Lesbia. What did I ever do to you. Anyway, I’m going to get rid of love. It’s too complicated. I’ll build aqueducts instead or something. Hey umm Gods? Could you do me a favor? Nah, it’s not to make Lesbia love me, or to make her chaste. The girl’s a slut. Anyway, just make me not be in love, k? Cool, bro. Thanks.

LXXXIII.

God Lesbia, why are you so mean to me when your husband is around? He’s so dumb. He’s an ass. And bro, your girl is always talking about me and getting angry. I get her hot. You mad, bro?

LXXXV.

I hate and love. I’m deep, man. Get on my level.

LXXXVI.

Quintia, you’re hot and all, but compared to Lesbia you’re a 6. Maybe a 7; you’ve got a bangin’ body, but like, you’re fuckingdumb. Lesbia is way hotter than you. Can you tell me how to get her back?

LXXXVII.

Lesbiaaaaa. I stiiiiilllllll lovveeee youuuuuu.

CI.

Bro, you died. Like, you were my literal bro. I don’t really know what to say. It’s so unfair to me that you’re dead — I liked you. God, it’s so unfair for me. Thanks a lot, bro, that was really selfish of you. Anyway, I got you some stuff for your funeral. I didn’t have a choice, Roman tradition and all. What? I’m not crying… Sniffle.

CVII.

OH MY GOD YES. LESBIA IS MINE. Thanks babe, that was totally awesome of you. I am so happy. You’re the best. Let’s be in love forever. What? Quintia said I called you a slut…? I would never say that.

CIX.

Hey Gods, could you make Lesbia stop cheating on me? That would be great. Yeah, she’s a bit of a whore… I really like having sex with her, but I don’t like sharing, you know? Chill, thanks bros.

CX.

Aufillena, you were like a chill girl friend, but now you’re such a bitch. Like, you totally take without giving anything back. You’re such a liar… Whore.

CXI.

Aufillena, like, it would have been fine if you were chaste. And like, even if you slept with a bunch of guys, that would have been chill. But you slept with your uncle….. da fuq, girl.

What’s good, bro? Catullus out...