36 Answers to Questions That Generate Interpersonal Closeness Between Strangers
Every print I left upon the track
Has led me here
And next year, it'll be clear
This was only leading me to that
And by that time, I hope that
You love me
— Fiona Apple, “I Want You to Love Me"
1.
Either Jesus of Nazareth or John Candy.
2.
I would like to be well-known as an actor, but not for the sake of being famous; I’d like to be famous enough to be able to work with the screenwriters/directors whose styles I find singular and inspiring, such as The Daniels, Alejandro González Iñárritu, or Charlie Kaufman.
3.
Depending on the circumstances of the call, I usually imagine various directions the conversation may go and rehearse certain phrases or responses accordingly; sometimes such preparation reduces my anxiety, but more often it’s inspired my enthusiastic anticipation (even though most conversations do not end up following my rehearsed version).
4.
I have two version of my answer, one that reflects my current life and another that’s pure fantasy.
Wake up in my own bed at whatever time feels right and restful beside someone I love. Coffee and something with my kiddos, like reading Harry Potter or playing SpongeBob Uno, write for a bit, do some college-related work or something with my hands, such as repairing fences, hang out with a dear friend to talk about comedy or poetry. Squeeze in a quick stop at the gym. Eat whenever I’m hungry, maybe make dinner (a lasagne!) for my family. Watch an episode of a Star Wars series with my kiddos before snuggling them at bedtime. Watch an episode of something like Only Murders in the Building with someone I love before falling asleep entwined in them.
Wake up in my own bed to the chirping of an alarm clock at whatever time I need to get up in order to arrive to set on time. Spend 12 to 14 hours doing the work of an actor: meet the cast and crew, wardrobe, make-up, run lines, block scenes, act, act again, act some more. Return home. Watch an episode of a Star Wars series with my kiddos before snuggling them at bedtime. Watch an episode of something like Only Murders in the Building with someone I love before falling asleep entwined in them.
5.
In my truck, probably to either David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust or mewithoutyou.
6.
I would prefer to retain the body of a 30-year-old until the age of 90.
7.
Nope. Well, maybe falling from a high place.
8.
An interest in poetry, the ability to read English, and a desire for personal connection.
9.
The good health of my family.
10.
I would replace my dad’s temper with patience and a willed inner-peace.
11.
I was born in Abbotsford in 1981. My due date was the second or third week of January, but my dad thought it would be exciting to have a New Year’s baby, so he convinced my mom go hiking in December. My parents were young Christians with hippy tendencies—they met when my mom picked up my dad hitchhiking across Canada—but they have become increasingly conservative over the past 40 years. My dad drank frequently and excessively until shortly after my only sibling, Riley, was born in 1986; that’s when my mom gave my dad the ultimatum. I can’t remember how many months he left for, but eventually he went to an AA program in White Rock, and then moved back in with us. He’s been sober ever since, and because she thought it would be fair, my mom offered to give up something she loves: chocolate. When I was 10, we moved to the Okanagan. I started homeschooling halfway through Grade 7, and hung out with my best friend, Christopher Montgomery, every weekend. A few years later, he moved to Seattle with his family, and I started a grunge band called Shriven with Josh and Matt, my new friends I met in the youth group at New Life Vineyard. We wrote most of our songs, but also played Nirvana covers, recorded one album, and only performed live 6 or 7 times. We’d often stay over at one another’s houses on the weekends, staying up late, smoking cigarettes, and roaming orchards and throwing rotten apples at passing cars. I went back to public school in 1998, where I met L in Chemistry 12. She invited me to a study group at her house because she had a crush on me. We got married one year later, during Christmas break in our first year of university. Five years later, she graduated with a BA in Psychology, and we moved from Kelowna to Armstrong; I took a year longer to graduate because I decided to go for my honours in English (after having been a Chemistry major for 2 years). I went to grad school in Calgary next, where I made many new friends and connections; L absolutely hated living there. After I graduated, we returned to Armstrong, and I started teaching at Okanagan College, where I met my bestfriend forever, Jake Kennedy, while L became very involved in dog rescue. L got her teaching degree, followed by an MA in Special Education with a focus on Deaf and Hard of Hearing. We bought our first house on Patterson Street, and I published my first poetry collection with Coach House Books. L worked in the Vernon School District for a few years, until her maternity leave in 2012. Our first son was born in November of that year, which is when I started thinking seriously about acting. I spent a year driving 45-minutes (both ways) once a week to perform stand-up at open mics. Our second boy was born in 2015, and I took a paternity leave, followed by a sabbatical. In the summer of 2017, we flew to Toronto so I could work on Sean Braun’s debut feature film. It was nearly impossible to balance my obligations as an actor with the needs of my family. That same year, L left the school district to start working as educational consultant in private schools. I returned to teaching at the college. Each of our boys received an autism diagnosis when they were 5 years old. Through learning about their diagnoses, L self-diagnosed herself as autistic. In 2019, we bought a log house on 16 acres in Grandview Flats, and L’s mother (aka. Nana) moved into our basement suite. We received six chicks from someone who hatched them as a home-schooling project but couldn’t keep them. Our boys are and have always been unschooled. _______________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________. I took the 2021-22 school year off on a mental health leave. Nana fatally hit L’s beloved 15-year-old dog with her car. I self-produced a comedy album. Now, we have 17 chickens, 2 dogs, and 2 goats.
12.
The ability to love everyone completely and unconditionally at all times.
13.
I’d want to know that my boys will grow up being able to manage themselves well enough to be generally happy and healthy.
14.
Pursuing a career as an actor, and I haven’t done it because it would take me away from L and the boys; over the past few years, they’ve struggled to coexist together while I’ve been away for more than a day or two.
15.
Having played one of the leading roles in Nuptials.
16.
Being able to feel like myself, while simultaneously feeling like I’m being challenged to become a better version of myself.
17.
I generally have a horrible memory, so this one’s a little tricky, but probably the birth of my kids. I mean, I sort of have to say that, right?
18.
Falling asleep while driving with the boys in the van and crashing into my neighbour’s fence.
19.
I would submit myself to more auditions so that I might get one or two more experiences being on a set, and I’d travel as much as I could to my favourite places on this planet, like NYC and Vanuatu, and to new places to see and feel new things.
20.
It means connecting with someone on such levels as common interests or experiences, humour, empathy, trust, affection; it means being able to share elements of one’s inner and outer world knowing that the other person cares about them simply because he/she/they care about you.
21.
Love and affection are sources of comfort, connection, and security for me.
22.
You’re attentive; you’re willing to connect; you seem to have a great capacity for caring; depending on when you’re reading this, you either value current literary culture or value historic literary artifacts; you’re literate.
23.
My family felt warm and caring enough growing up; my parents were somewhat strict, but usually fair and affectionate. I feel my childhood was as happy or slightly happier than other people’s. As adults, my parents, my brother, and I remain caring and warm with one another, although I wouldn’t necessarily describe our connections as tight-knit.
24.
I used to think I had a fairly solid relationship with her, but as an adult I’ve started questioning whether or not I’ve felt judgement from her throughout most of my life. When I was 14, she wouldn’t let me go to Tomfest at the Gorge in Washington with my youth group, which made me feel like she couldn’t understand or trust me for the first time. Since then, I decided to stop sharing my opinions and experiences with her to avoid criticism. For a long stretch, I thought I was happy enough having our relationship ride out such superficiality; however, a few years ago I started calling out her more right-wing posts and misinformation on Facebook, and I think it felt like a kind of justice to be able to criticize her choices and actions, even though part of me still wants her approval and affection. As she gets older, she is getting more anxious, which makes it harder for me to connect with her.
25.
We both like books, we’ve both invested something in this book, and we both have read this line.
26.
I wish I had someone with whom I could share the journey of becoming a “real” actor, like a mentor or a collaborator.
27.
I’m awful at texting because I’m easily distracted and have poor executive functioning, not because I don’t value you or our friendship.
28.
I want to say I love either your eyes or your hands, that they’re soft and beautiful and feel good, but I can’t say for sure because I’m just a book.
29.
I’m more often ashamed than embarrassed, but one of the most memorable times I was somewhat embarrassed happened when my mom and I went to buy my first suit for my high school graduation dance. L accompanied us, and when I came out of the changeroom shirtless, my mom gasped and exclaimed “Kevin! Your body?” My chest and shoulders and arms were covered in hickeys. I shrugged and went back into the changeroom, leaving my mom and L waiting outside… in awkward silence. Maybe I was more embarrassed for L than myself.
30.
I cried in front of L and the counsellor yesterday morning. I cried by myself a few weeks ago in bed.
31.
I like how you take such good care of my words.
32.
Nothing, if the context is right.
33.
I would tell a particular someone that she is beautiful and I love her; I haven’t done so out of respect for her boundaries and current relationship.
34.
It’s cliché, I know, but photo albums and maybe some sentimental books, like the one-of-a-kind chapbook that Jake and Jason made for my 40th birthday.
35.
Either of my boys; I’m not sure I’d survive the grief or the doubt that I did everything possible to prevent them from dying.
36.
I’ve stopped pursuing a career as an actor because my family requires a high degree of my energy and presence. This, in part, also has to do with geography—L and our kiddos are settled in their familiar, rural habitat and would likely not thrive in or near the kind of urban centre where regular acting work is available (i.e. Vancouver). I tell myself it’s only a delay and I’ll eventually be able to pursue it again, but it’s hard to keep some resentment from creeping in sometimes. Do I continue to delay doing what brings me deep joy and purpose? Or do I go for it despite the agonizing burden it would put on my family? What would you do? And how do you perceive my feelings towards this conundrum?
36 Answers to Questions That Generate Interpersonal Closeness Between Strangers is out of print from The Blasted Tree Store
Featured by The Blasted Tree: March 31, 2023
kevin mcpherson eckhoff
Contributing Author
36 Answers to Questions That Generate Interpersonal Closeness Between Strangers is a Blasted Tree original collection of poetry
ISBN [Digital]: 978-1-998817-06-1
Cover design by Kyle Flemmer